Rethinking Discipline

What do you think of when you hear the word discipline?

Is it fear?

Is it timeout?

Is it a flashback of your younger more rebellious self #badass.

Everything I thought I knew about discipline changed when I learnt that the word actually means, ‘to teach a lesson.’

As a young parent and primary school teacher, I have never felt confident about my views on discipline. I thought ‘gentle parenting’ was the reason why children were so crazy these days but I have soon learnt that ‘gentle parenting’ (if done from a place of connection and intention) is part of the answer.

To gain a little insight into 'gentle parenting', let’s look into the child and what it means to be a child. Children are curious, creative and evolving beings. They are still learning how to deal with their BIG emotions, empathise with others, make decisions and reflect on their actions.

So, where are we expecting children to learn these traits if we aren’t teaching these in the moments that matter the most?

Yes, I am referring to the ugliest, yuckiest, ‘omg that is not my child’ moments.

When a child is having a tanty, yes, it is a huge inconvenience and yes, it causes a scene and yes, for some reason every old timer loves to watch and observe how you going to deal with this situation. But have a think about what you would like your child to learn in this moment.  

Let's remember that a child's brain is not yet fully developed and part of our role as a parent, is to help children form healthy circuits in their brain.

‘I will hang out with you when you are calm and happy but when you are upset, you are on your own.’

‘When people are upset, we leave them alone because they are causing a scene.’

‘You need to learn to calm down on your own, I will not be there for you.’

‘You are embarrassing the both of us right now.’

‘It is not okay for you to yell and scream, but I can yell and scream at you.’

Yes, these answers are a little over the top, but that is how a child’s brain works. They haven’t developed the maturity yet to see the situation as anything different than shame and isolation.

Now you might be thinking, that this child will learn, if I scream and carry on like a pork chop, I will get my way.

There are definitely moments where children have us wrapped around our fingers and take us for a spin but even if this is the case, it is still a moment where the child is seeking connection (notice that I didn't say attention). They are screaming out for our attention because maybe we are pre-occupied with the million things we need to get done, maybe they are still learning that just because you want something, you can’t always have it, maybe they are just exhausted and want to go home or maybe you have expected to much of them based on their age (I am guilty of all of these).  

When a child is crying, misbehaving or doing anything that requires ‘discipline’ they are using their downstairs part of the brain, the reptilian part of the brain (the oldest part of the brain). What we want to do is invite the upstairs part of the brain into the situation. The upstairs part of the brain is the thinking part and this part of the brain allows children to think about their actions, think about others and process their emotions – rationally.

When we go in with the old-fashioned approach to discipline, we are missing out on a teachable moment. Yes, the child may do what you say but out of fear and distress. This new approach to discipline has a much healthier impact on the child’s brain development (from both a short- and long-term perspective) as we help act as a pre-frontal cortex for them. This is the part of the brain that isn’t fully developed until the age of 25, and it is where the child learns to regulate their emotions, actions and thoughts and make informed decisions.

Children are still learning how to connect the upstairs part of their brain with the downstairs part of the brain. Neurons that fire together, wire together. It is our role as parents to help form healthy connections in the brain through important conversations done at the right time.

So how do we do this?

When a child is misbehaving, disobeying the rules or having a tantrum, what their brain needs is for us to come in calmly with connection. When we help our child calm down, we help them regulate their emotions and soon after, discuss the situation.

We wait until they have calmed down before having a teachable conversation. A lot of the time, parents are programmed to go into a chaotic situation with more chaos. Aka. Adding fuel to the fire. This is referred to as, ‘poking the lizard’. Poking the lizard is pointless as we are programmed for survival and in a state of fight or flight we are not being rational. During this time, both the child and the adult are flooded with even more heightened emotions.

‘You are going straight to your room when we get home.’

‘I have had enough of you, young lady.’

'Straight to time out.'

We’ve all been there. I certainly have had moments, where I wish I hadn’t lost my cool and go in carrying on like a pork chop myself.

If we tackle discipline with connection, listen to their perspective on the situation and then ask questions, we help the child develop empathy, a healthy amount of guilt (if necessary) and then an understanding of what they would do differently next time.

'How do you think that made Sally feel?'

'Do you have some ideas about how we won't forget our homework next Friday?'

'Why do you want this toy so badly?'

'Why did you steal the fluffy pen from the teacher’s desk?'

'Do you know why 'we don't jump on the couch?'

If you can predict some of these answers, you will see that self-esteem and important life lessons will come up. 'I wanted the fluffy pen because everybody at school teases me for having a boring pencil case.'

When we sit down and ask important questions, we help children develop self-esteem, empathy, values, logical reasoning, intuition, a healthy inner dialogue and most importantly, we nurture their intrinsic reward system.

Yes, it may take 5 minutes longer but I beg to differ once you add up the apologies for going haywire, the crying that doesn’t seem to stop and later on trying to teach this lesson again, out of context.

Our aim is to help our children regulate their emotions, actions and thoughts so that they can do it on their own. We want to help connect the upstairs part of the brain so that they make good choices even when we aren’t there. If we go in with yelling, time-outs and fear, the child does not learn how to deal with their emotions, actions and thoughts. Time-outs are a separate blog post but I will say, unfortunately, a child hasn't developed the maturity yet to sit and reflect on their actions (which is the intention), all they are thinking is how much of a BIG MEANIE you are.

Putting all of this into practice takes time and most of all, patience. It requires us as parents to let go of the old-fashioned discipline approach that has been handed down to us, ensure we are looking after ourselves so that our own energy is calm and saying no to an unnecessary number of things as it is in these moments of being in a rush or being exhausted ourselves that we are most likely to snap.  

Everything that changed my perspective on this topic was taken from the book, The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

If you are struggling to put this into practice, I will be launching a blog post next week on how to protect your energy with daily self-care techniques for parents.